GM Announces OffStar Analog Services

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In a press statement released just ahead of the New York Auto Show, General Motors announced a new in-car service that relies entirely on analog technology.

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Dubbed OffStar, a spinoff of OnsStar which is currently available across the GM lineup, the new feature attempts to satisfy remaining holdouts by utilizing entirely non-digital multimedia devices and services. "OnStar has reliably served over six million customers, but our research shows that a sizable portion of new car purchasers and baby boomers choose not to pay the $18-$28 monthly fee because they distrust its advanced digital technology," a spokesperson said. "By reverting to tried and true methods, we hope to win over the remaining few."

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The press release outlines the new service's features, which include an in-car cathode ray tube display screen, a condenser microphone, and a series of vacuum tubes that process and broadcast distress signals over shortwave radio. The signal gets relayed to local receiving stations, where live operators release carrier pigeons to convey messages to another relay station, which dispatches emergency personnel to the scene.?A backup system includes Morse Code and a small laminated card with a cheat-sheet for Oldsmobile-era customers.?

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The service will be available at an introductory rate of $99 per month, and can be paid via snail mail. "If the customer wishes, he or she may be able to setup a pay-in-person remittance account, which can be arranged via Telex or, if the customer is so equipped, by telephone."

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"At General Motors," the spokesperson said, "we understand that not everyone is onboard with the digital revolution. OffStar is there for them-- especially on April 1st."

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